


Golf Should be this Exciting

by DrivvenWrinth, FairyNiamh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Golf, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-20
Updated: 2009-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:52:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/400621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrivvenWrinth/pseuds/DrivvenWrinth, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyNiamh/pseuds/FairyNiamh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the Konoha WNS Relief Charity Golf Match, things get interesting when extra... holes appear on the green.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Golf Should be this Exciting

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Iruka hobbled over to his sofa. It wasn't easy juggling a plate of food and a glass of tea while hobbling on crutches. He was a ninja, so he managed all right. Settling on the couch with a sigh, he set his food and drink on the coffee table. He set a pillow on the coffee table and lifted his leg, setting his foot, in the very heavy cast on top of it. Iruka turned on the television and began to channel surf.

Very quickly he realized that there was nothing good on. He finally settled for watching the charity golf match that he should have been competing in. He still didn't know if his broken leg was a blessing or not. 'Well, I might as well watch it. Anyway, there's nothing else to watch.' He settled in and began to eat his dinner. Iruka felt a little bad for Naruto. His 'little brother' had never intended for Konohamaru to actually use the idea. Iruka knew for certain that Naruto hadn't planned on his little shadow playing said prank on Iruka. The result had been a broken leg for Iruka, a broken head for Konohamaru (compliments of Naruto), and a very guilt-ridden Naruto.

Kiba had promised Iruka that he'd cheer Naruto up. As uneasy as that made him, Iruka really hoped it worked. Naruto's kicked puppy look had nearly broken his heart. 'That's all I need. Enough is broken already.' Man, his leg was really starting to itch in the hot prickly cast.

A commercial came on. It was the reason for the Charity itself. Iruka hadn't seen this commercial before, but it left him feeling a little green.

A solemn voice came on. You may not be aware. You may have never thought about it, but there is a slow moving epidemic wreaking havoc on many of our talented young ninja. Senior ninja are not immune, but the young ones.... The picture faded into an image of a thin young man in a straight jacket. His ebony locks were matted to his head. His eyes bled from red to black and back again randomly. He was muttering to himself and thrashing his head from side to side angrily. Weaponless ninja.

The solemn voice began. This is one of the cases we couldn't save. Please help us ensure that no ninja ever needs to go without an implement of death, dismemberment, or torture again. This young man was once a talented Genin, on his way to becoming a truly productive death dealing member of society. But..... Due to a lack of powerful, strong deadly implements, he ended up taking snakes and other awful things into himself in an attempt to feel like a real man. Now he sits in a mental institution, dreaming that he's an avenger out to destroy a village. How very sad. Now he is just another victim of the Weaponless Ninja Syndrome. Please help us prevent this from happening to someone else. All it will take is a phone call. One call. The number is at the bottom of your screen. I think you know what to do.

The game came back on and Iruka felt relived. He always hated seeing his old student like that, it truly was… well sad.

"Welcome back to the Konoha WNS Relief Charity Golf Match. It's been quite a match so far, hasn't it Bob?"

"Yes Terry, it seems that Kakashi is lining up for the put and...”

“Wait, what's that on the green?"

Iruka leaned in towards the screen and tea sprayed all over the room like an out of control fireman's hose.

"I don't know Terry. Oh my! It's, it's …"

"It's naked men Bob."

There was just no mistaking that spiky blond hair.

"Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, there are naked men on the green. Oh here come the Anbu they'll take care of this mess Terry."

"They aren't completely naked you know, each one seems to have a different number painter on their back. I wonder what's on the front, perhaps spare club?"

Naruto and Kiba could be seen running as if they were on a rocking sailboat. 'That bastard! He got him drunk!' Iruka screamed inside his own head. Kiba was a dead man. He just didn't know it yet.

"Terry, did you see that one slide under Kakashi's legs?"

Iruka wanted to cover his eyes, but he really couldn't move.

"Hey, that blond guy just stole Kakashi's putter pulled it right away from him, in mid swing!"

"Yes Bob… he was reaching for the man's spare club. I think that Kakashi is down for the count, at least if the blond climbing up his back is any indication."

Kakashi had just made the hit list as well. Steam was rolling off of Iruka's body.

"The hairy one seems to be wiggling his... um well everything at Shino. You can't do that when a man is putting for par!"

"I wonder if the Aburame can see it through his glasses…I can certainly see... well everything."

"I think so, Terry. He missed the hole, or at least the one in the green, by a mile. The hairy one is now limping away as he tries to evade the Anbu."

Iruka didn't want to laugh. He was trying to be pissed. The image of a drunken Kiba hobbling around trying to evade the Anbu was ridiculous. It was like watching an old black and white cops and robbers comedy.

"This is the most exciting Golf tournament I have ever been to."

"Yes, it is a rather stiff game. Oh no, did I just say that on air. Um, back to the action."

"Should we get back to the action?"

"Yes, please."

"Insatiable… We must keep the cameras off of Kakashi's 'club' work."

Iruka was currently writing a '101 Ways To Kill a Copy-Nin' book in his head. 'How dare that filthy pervert touch my little brother!' Nevermind that Naruto really didn't seem to mind either. Still Naruto was drunk and well.... Kakashi was older and sober and should keep his club to himself!

"Our Izumo seems to be joining the... holes he's stripping and running after a giggling man who keeps stopping to... oh my word Bob just what is that man doing?"

"OMG! Did that one with the purple paint just pick up Neji and try to stuff him into a golf bag, sorry, I was distracted. Hyuuga can sure swing a golf bag better than a club. What did I miss on your end? I mean side Damn! Oh crap! I am so fired!"

"HEY YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT ON LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!"

"I am speechless... really I am."

"Dear me… the painted one is trying to do a most unorthodox… move with that club."

"Just what would you call that? And a nine iron too!"

"Umm is that swing allowed? Should there be a penalty?"

"At least it wasn't a wedge."

"True... I think…"

"Uh, oh I think Neji's in trouble; purple paint has him down on the sixth hole we may have to add a number to that flag..."

Iruka was stunned. He really couldn't believe that Neji was allowing Kankurou to molest him like that. 'And in public too!'

"I thought his number was 69. If he's 69... then... is Neji's number 96?"

Iruka had noticed that Neji had been going through a rebellious phase lately, but this was just too much. 'He's participating! Oh My!!!'

"Um, it appears that Kakashi has a um… hole in one."

Kakashi was beyond dead that was no way to treat Iruka's baby brother... and on National Television no less! Perhaps he could talk Sai into helping him torture the copy-nin. That boy might just be enough to scare Kakashi straight.

"Hell, I'm just going to go with it, my career is over now anyway maybe Neji’s the six and purple paint is the nine or the other way around.... who can tell."

"Nah, you won’t lose your job… we can blame the people watching and still broadcasting this..."

"Neji does seem more involved in the um, game now."

"Hmmm yes, the mouth action... I mean hole action is great."

"Where the hell is the FCC when you need them? And wait, why are all the Anbu just standing around watching?"

"Stunned I believe. Much like our ANBU…"

"I don't think stunned covers it there's a lot of glove work going on among the troops there."

"What? Would YOU go out there and stop them? Might decide to use your club... or hole…"

"Ya' know... no, no, I can' t do that, I'm in a relationship."

"That's right Bob... and don’t you forget it. The ANBU do seem to be... shifting their positions... a lot oh and there's some teamwork in the ranks too it seems."

"Love you honey."

"Shut up or I might molest you… I mean remove your clothes... I mean position... I mean... Oh fuck it!"

"Um...damn it don't make offers!!"

Rustling was heard from the announcer’s booth along with cloth tearing and then, moans.

"TERRY… BOB STOP THAT!"

A loud BEEEEEP sounded from the television.

A typed message appeared on the screen.

'Sorry but we are experiencing technical difficulties.'

Iruka sat on his couch fuming! Now he had no idea what was going on! 'Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! And damn sexy mysterious copy-nins who have to pay! And damn soon to be dead alcoholic dog-nins!' Someone was going to be injured very very soon and it sure wasn't going to be Iruka.

“HAWKS! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!” the demented young man shouted at his… group.

“What’s the problem now?”

“Konoha! They just showed Konoha on live television! I thought we had destroyed that place last week.” The raven said with a pout.

“We did, don’t you remember?” The largest of the group asked while nudging the young woman in the ribs with his elbow.

“Ow… yeah don’t you remember Sasuke? Y… you were so masculiney and and… yeah manly!” The dark haired girl said while trying not to gag.

“Then why was it on television?” the former duck butt said suspiciously.

“It…”

“Naruto was on there…”

“Yes he was… I mean really?” Karin said quickly.

“I saw him, he was having sex with poor Kakashi. I’ve had sex with Naruto before… he was horrible.” The raven said seriously.

“Oh I’m sure you have… and I’m sure the Kakashi was… moaning in agony over it.”

“Probably, still what were they doing on National television? If I destroyed I know I would have killed the dumb blond.” He said confusedly.

“It must be a genjutsu. You were pretty injured during the battle so you better take this soldier pill before you try to break it.” The smaller of the two men said.

“Yes, you must be correct, things have been fuzzy lately. Leave me I need my rest!” the raven ordered.

“Soldier pill first Sasuke… errr… kun.”

“Give me the pill and get out. I will not have you molesting me in my sleep Karin.” He snarled.

“I have so got to get a new job.” Karin said while leaning on the now closed and locked door.

“It could be worse ya know.” Suigestu said.

“Oh really? The little freak thinks I want to sleep with him! Ewww ewww ewww.” She said with a shudder.

“He could want you to sleep with him.” Jugo said with a nod.

“If that ever happens just kill me, do you two understand? Gross, just the thought of him naked makes me want to barf. I mean come on! No tan and he refuses to bathe, thinks the water is trying to kill him. Now that Naruto… mmm would so love a piece of that ass.” She said dreamily.

“Come on, you can day dream later. One patient down two to go.”

“I so hope Kabuto and Orochimaru aren’t playing doctor or snake charmer again. YUCK! Old man penis and BAD make up. I need a raise and hazard pay.” The girl whined.

“Well at least you don’t have your ass groped regularly! Everyone knows Orochimaru is gay so stop your whining.” A young passing doctor said.

“Yup… gotta find a new job.” She muttered while following the other two interns.

Later that night on the news….

Hokage Tsunade has reported a huge success in their Charity Golf Tournament. There have had so many donations in fact that she is begging the people to STOP sending in weapons of mass destruction.

In other bars around Konoha and nearby villages due to a sake shortage, no one is sure how this has occurred, but one thing is positive, Hokage Tsunade is pissed and on the rampage. People please if she comes to your door looking for sake and you have some, give it to her, it will, in the long run, make all of our lives a lot easier.

Good night and be safe.

 

~Fin~  



End file.
